My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I never needed anything more in my life
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL