me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
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I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
getting old is fun
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
This did not end as expected.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.