We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer