[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
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One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
True.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Real House Wines.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE