I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Just got to our Airbnb!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Lol.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March