“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey