Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene