My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Best seat on the street 😍
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them