why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
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I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*