I have never related to a cat more
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[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.