Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
no their not
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.