Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Found the job I’m suited for
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Hotels are back
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*