WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
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Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”