I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations