My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
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Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
me irl
i can’t wait that long