nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
You Might Also Like
Saw online –
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
meanwhile over on facebook
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel