Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
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Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Monday Lisa
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.