my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
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Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”