You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
was Jim off killing horses or…
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
*lint rolls you awake*
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah