[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
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I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.