i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.