Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
How can I say no to this ?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.