If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
You Might Also Like
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.