A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Need WebMD
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.