Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
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I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.