i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Herpes is trending, good job people
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.