DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
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2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box