Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
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Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I’m sure it’s fine.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise