Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Happy thanksgiving
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Everything reminds me of my ex
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.