6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Just a friendly reminder!