Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
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Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.