Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!