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My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
peep davidson
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter