Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
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Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.