Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I support this random dude and all his protests
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.