“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me