*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away