Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
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My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
crying
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.