I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”