Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
not to brag, but mine was free