St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
craving $300 all of a sudden
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Proctology is located in A55
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.