[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
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“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’ve had relationships like this
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
*limbos under the caution tape
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King