dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
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I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Basically.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Smile they said.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.