Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is