My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words