I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus