“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
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[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Finally!
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
My daily affirmation
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.