I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.