“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
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I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp