Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
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inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My plans: 2020:
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.